2020

It’s been 10 years since I lasted posted in this format. 10. A lot has happened in that time. A lot that has changed and shaped my life. I find myself here in 2020, 40 years old and on the eve of another Lenten season.
This time of year always makes me reflect. I think the significance of this year in particular has me reflecting even more. So my decision for the 40 days of Lent, to revive my soul, is to write and purge and share my story. I am hoping in doing so, I will bring myself closer to God and that elusive peace I seek. To just Be Still.
So here goes, day 1/40:
2010 was the beginning of the shifting in my life. Aidan was born in 2008 and while he wasn’t planned, he was so welcome and loved. I never realized at the time he was born, how much he would change everything. By 2010, he was turning 2. He was not meeting all the milestones he should have. He was my third and he having two other loud, active kids, I brushed everything off as he was just my quiet one. Or the calm one. It took two visits to the pediatrician over a 6 month period before he finally sat me down and said, “there is something wrong. This is not your fault. But we need to do something.”
That intervention led to long journey of diagnosis:  autism. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t initially devastated by that diagnosis. I think every person in their heart always wants a healthy, “normal” baby. So it can be hard to accept when yours is different. I think I moved swiftly through those stages to acceptance and on to what we needed to do to help. That’s my personality. That’s all I know. How do I fix something?  Unfortunately, Travis did not move so swiftly through that process. In fact, he spent a lot of time in denial that there was anything wrong. Even in the face of all the testing and all the behaviors. He stayed stuck in he’s just the quiet one. The calm one. And that is what finally shattered a marriage that was already on shaky ground.
The years of diagnosis and initial treatment took their toll and eventually, by 2013, I decided it was best for us to separate. And so we did.
I have always been someone that worried about what everyone else felt and thought. So deciding to end my marriage wasn’t just about me, but I worried about how it would affect EVERYONE....him, my kids, my parents, his parents, our sisters, aunts, uncles, you name it. I had so much anxiety over that decision that I could not imagine anything harder. I had no idea what was still in store.