Something Unexpected

Today I had the most unexpected thing occur. I was working at the nursing home and one of my residents stopped to chat about a concern she had for another resident. I talked with her and reassured her. After she was satisfied that all was well, she sat and stared at me for a few moments. She finally said, “you really are a pretty girl. Not a girl, a lady. And you’re not just pretty, you’re beautiful. You’re really beautiful.”  That small exchange made my entire day!  I found myself with tears in my eyes as I humbly thanked her. I told her, I don’t always feel beautiful. But she wanted me to be sure I knew that I was. Later in the shift I spent another 30 minutes with this same resident. She recounted stories of her husband, her love. Their life and travels and his endearing nickname for her. She made me hopeful that there is love like that out there. And I know now that I am beautiful and I will find it.

In the beginning

I think there has to be some background of how I grew up, to understand how I have come to where I am now. I grew up as the oldest daughter of my parents.  My dad has another daughter who lived 7+ hours away so I didn’t have the big sister experience that may have been helpful. I have older parents who for the most part are not overly social, especially my mom. So I didn’t have the experience of the mom friends either. My sister and I were the only faces of color in our neighborhood, in our school and in our church. I always felt awkward and like I didn’t fit in.  On top of that, my mother was very conscientious of appearances, even to the detriment of how it made her daughter feel. I say all this not to say I wasn’t loved. Or that I didn’t have awesome family, friends or experiences. But at the same time, the groundwork was laid for a ton of insecurities that have never been repaired.

Day 2 of 40

So I had thought about what I wanted to write, but then something happened today that had me rethinking my original thoughts. I have worked really hard the last few months on being stronger and decreasing my anxieties. However, today I had a confrontation with Jeremy that found me right back where I used to be. Completely crushed and heartbroken, so much anxiety it feels like I can’t breathe and don’t know how I’ll ever be ok again. Crying in my car in Walmart’s parking lot, just utterly lost.
I’m mad at myself for going back to that place. For letting him affect me in that way.
We have many things that have become issues over the years, but one of the frequent topics is sex. I honestly love sex. I feel like I’m a healthy woman who enjoys sex and desires it. I can’t recall the last time Jeremy and I had sex.
For me, it had become harder and harder to feel comfortable in that. The more he talked to other women. The more he put me down and called me names. The more he plotted behind my back. The more he told other people how horrible I was or how stupid I was or how inept. With each new action, it became harder to want to be intimate with him. That would have required a vulnerability that I didn’t feel secure enough or trust him enough to give.
Tonight it was made very clear that he doesn’t understand that and does not care. He threw in my face that he warned me that he needed sex in a relationship. He told me my “weird Missouri ways” and not wanting to have sex were going to keep me from ever finding anyone. How does he not understand that I can’t have sex with someone that has called me a cunt?  How can I have sex with someone that has told me to my face that they hate me?  How can I have sex with someone who planned to have sex with someone, likely in our bed, as soon as I was out of town?  
I tried to explain to him the night before that I was swallowing my pride for the millionth time and going to work on a relationship together. That we had to rebuild trust and I had to feel secure and SAFE.  He has basically said he doesn’t care and continued the cycle of abuse.
Tonight I sat in my car, in my garage, waiting for him to gather his things so I could leave. I had decided to no longer say anything to him because there was no point. So instead I sat in my car, with the windows rolled up, car running and radio playing to try to tune out the hateful words he continued to say to me through the window. I let him win when I started crying while he yelled at me. I let him see he had affected me.
That was only a small part of what happened but adds to the many things about him, about addicts, about this craziness that I will never understand.

2020

It’s been 10 years since I lasted posted in this format. 10. A lot has happened in that time. A lot that has changed and shaped my life. I find myself here in 2020, 40 years old and on the eve of another Lenten season.
This time of year always makes me reflect. I think the significance of this year in particular has me reflecting even more. So my decision for the 40 days of Lent, to revive my soul, is to write and purge and share my story. I am hoping in doing so, I will bring myself closer to God and that elusive peace I seek. To just Be Still.
So here goes, day 1/40:
2010 was the beginning of the shifting in my life. Aidan was born in 2008 and while he wasn’t planned, he was so welcome and loved. I never realized at the time he was born, how much he would change everything. By 2010, he was turning 2. He was not meeting all the milestones he should have. He was my third and he having two other loud, active kids, I brushed everything off as he was just my quiet one. Or the calm one. It took two visits to the pediatrician over a 6 month period before he finally sat me down and said, “there is something wrong. This is not your fault. But we need to do something.”
That intervention led to long journey of diagnosis:  autism. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t initially devastated by that diagnosis. I think every person in their heart always wants a healthy, “normal” baby. So it can be hard to accept when yours is different. I think I moved swiftly through those stages to acceptance and on to what we needed to do to help. That’s my personality. That’s all I know. How do I fix something?  Unfortunately, Travis did not move so swiftly through that process. In fact, he spent a lot of time in denial that there was anything wrong. Even in the face of all the testing and all the behaviors. He stayed stuck in he’s just the quiet one. The calm one. And that is what finally shattered a marriage that was already on shaky ground.
The years of diagnosis and initial treatment took their toll and eventually, by 2013, I decided it was best for us to separate. And so we did.
I have always been someone that worried about what everyone else felt and thought. So deciding to end my marriage wasn’t just about me, but I worried about how it would affect EVERYONE....him, my kids, my parents, his parents, our sisters, aunts, uncles, you name it. I had so much anxiety over that decision that I could not imagine anything harder. I had no idea what was still in store.