Something Unexpected

Today I had the most unexpected thing occur. I was working at the nursing home and one of my residents stopped to chat about a concern she had for another resident. I talked with her and reassured her. After she was satisfied that all was well, she sat and stared at me for a few moments. She finally said, “you really are a pretty girl. Not a girl, a lady. And you’re not just pretty, you’re beautiful. You’re really beautiful.”  That small exchange made my entire day!  I found myself with tears in my eyes as I humbly thanked her. I told her, I don’t always feel beautiful. But she wanted me to be sure I knew that I was. Later in the shift I spent another 30 minutes with this same resident. She recounted stories of her husband, her love. Their life and travels and his endearing nickname for her. She made me hopeful that there is love like that out there. And I know now that I am beautiful and I will find it.

In the beginning

I think there has to be some background of how I grew up, to understand how I have come to where I am now. I grew up as the oldest daughter of my parents.  My dad has another daughter who lived 7+ hours away so I didn’t have the big sister experience that may have been helpful. I have older parents who for the most part are not overly social, especially my mom. So I didn’t have the experience of the mom friends either. My sister and I were the only faces of color in our neighborhood, in our school and in our church. I always felt awkward and like I didn’t fit in.  On top of that, my mother was very conscientious of appearances, even to the detriment of how it made her daughter feel. I say all this not to say I wasn’t loved. Or that I didn’t have awesome family, friends or experiences. But at the same time, the groundwork was laid for a ton of insecurities that have never been repaired.

Day 2 of 40

So I had thought about what I wanted to write, but then something happened today that had me rethinking my original thoughts. I have worked really hard the last few months on being stronger and decreasing my anxieties. However, today I had a confrontation with Jeremy that found me right back where I used to be. Completely crushed and heartbroken, so much anxiety it feels like I can’t breathe and don’t know how I’ll ever be ok again. Crying in my car in Walmart’s parking lot, just utterly lost.
I’m mad at myself for going back to that place. For letting him affect me in that way.
We have many things that have become issues over the years, but one of the frequent topics is sex. I honestly love sex. I feel like I’m a healthy woman who enjoys sex and desires it. I can’t recall the last time Jeremy and I had sex.
For me, it had become harder and harder to feel comfortable in that. The more he talked to other women. The more he put me down and called me names. The more he plotted behind my back. The more he told other people how horrible I was or how stupid I was or how inept. With each new action, it became harder to want to be intimate with him. That would have required a vulnerability that I didn’t feel secure enough or trust him enough to give.
Tonight it was made very clear that he doesn’t understand that and does not care. He threw in my face that he warned me that he needed sex in a relationship. He told me my “weird Missouri ways” and not wanting to have sex were going to keep me from ever finding anyone. How does he not understand that I can’t have sex with someone that has called me a cunt?  How can I have sex with someone that has told me to my face that they hate me?  How can I have sex with someone who planned to have sex with someone, likely in our bed, as soon as I was out of town?  
I tried to explain to him the night before that I was swallowing my pride for the millionth time and going to work on a relationship together. That we had to rebuild trust and I had to feel secure and SAFE.  He has basically said he doesn’t care and continued the cycle of abuse.
Tonight I sat in my car, in my garage, waiting for him to gather his things so I could leave. I had decided to no longer say anything to him because there was no point. So instead I sat in my car, with the windows rolled up, car running and radio playing to try to tune out the hateful words he continued to say to me through the window. I let him win when I started crying while he yelled at me. I let him see he had affected me.
That was only a small part of what happened but adds to the many things about him, about addicts, about this craziness that I will never understand.

2020

It’s been 10 years since I lasted posted in this format. 10. A lot has happened in that time. A lot that has changed and shaped my life. I find myself here in 2020, 40 years old and on the eve of another Lenten season.
This time of year always makes me reflect. I think the significance of this year in particular has me reflecting even more. So my decision for the 40 days of Lent, to revive my soul, is to write and purge and share my story. I am hoping in doing so, I will bring myself closer to God and that elusive peace I seek. To just Be Still.
So here goes, day 1/40:
2010 was the beginning of the shifting in my life. Aidan was born in 2008 and while he wasn’t planned, he was so welcome and loved. I never realized at the time he was born, how much he would change everything. By 2010, he was turning 2. He was not meeting all the milestones he should have. He was my third and he having two other loud, active kids, I brushed everything off as he was just my quiet one. Or the calm one. It took two visits to the pediatrician over a 6 month period before he finally sat me down and said, “there is something wrong. This is not your fault. But we need to do something.”
That intervention led to long journey of diagnosis:  autism. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t initially devastated by that diagnosis. I think every person in their heart always wants a healthy, “normal” baby. So it can be hard to accept when yours is different. I think I moved swiftly through those stages to acceptance and on to what we needed to do to help. That’s my personality. That’s all I know. How do I fix something?  Unfortunately, Travis did not move so swiftly through that process. In fact, he spent a lot of time in denial that there was anything wrong. Even in the face of all the testing and all the behaviors. He stayed stuck in he’s just the quiet one. The calm one. And that is what finally shattered a marriage that was already on shaky ground.
The years of diagnosis and initial treatment took their toll and eventually, by 2013, I decided it was best for us to separate. And so we did.
I have always been someone that worried about what everyone else felt and thought. So deciding to end my marriage wasn’t just about me, but I worried about how it would affect EVERYONE....him, my kids, my parents, his parents, our sisters, aunts, uncles, you name it. I had so much anxiety over that decision that I could not imagine anything harder. I had no idea what was still in store.

old blogs

as we get closer and closer to 2010 i have been cleaning out stuff from 2009. i am closing another blog that i have and was reading some old posts. i decided to post some of those here to share. so you may or may not want to read, but hear are some of my musings circa 2007/2008.

Thursday, May 01, 2008
Realizations
Current mood: sleepy
i had this realization this morning.........i realized i had the same one after mia was born.

suddenly you have this new baby and you realize your other children aren't really as "small" as they once seemed.

i've been carrying and feeding aidan for a week now....suddenly i picked up mia this morning and she was heavy! her legs, arms, hands, everything all seemed huge all of a sudden.

then i had this feeling of deja vu because i realized i had the same thing happen with noah after mia was born.

that was one of my realizations......i had another one right after aidan was born too.

i realized then as soon as he was born.....this isn't so bad. i've been saying this whole pregnancy that this is the last time i'm going to be pregnant, but now maybe not.

i actually thought i'd like to have another baby.....just not anytime soon though. maybe in 2 years or so (or 3 years and 3 months since that seems to be what i've done so far).

well, aidan is finally back to sleep, so i'm going to bed. ah, the joys of an infant! :-)

1:53 AM
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Saturday, February 16, 2008
10 More Weeks To Go!
The countdown is on! Only 10 more weeks to go! I am so tired of being pregnant that I can't wait. That, plus, I'm ready to meet little "Aidan."

We bought his bed today, so at least he will have somewhere to sleep. He doesn't have clothes, diapers or anything else.......I take that back, he does have some kick ass flame leg warmers!



1:44 AM
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Saturday, July 28, 2007
my baby is not a baby anymore
Current mood: nostalgic
i'm sad.......

noah lost his firt tooth last night. :(

he said it was the happiest day of his life!

i'm too emotional to say anymore................................

3:49 PM
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Sunday, July 22, 2007
100 Things
..> ..> 100 Things


1) Are you in a complicated "love" situation? what love situation is not complicated? but no, not really......

2) Do you hate more than 3 people? i don't hate anyone, dislike, quite possibly

4) How many houses have you lived in? 8 if you count apartments too

5) Favorite candy bar? butterfinger

6) Have you ever tripped someone? sure
7) Least favorite school subject? english.....hate to write papers

8) How many pairs of shoes do you own? 20+

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? not a full cd, but a song or two on my iPod

10) Have you ever thrown up in public? probably

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind? my kids are usually somewhere on my mind

12) Favorite genre of music? no real favorite

13) What's your zodiac sign? aquarius

14) What time were you born? 4:30 a.m.-ish

15) Do you like beer? not at all

16) Have you made a prank phone call? Of course!

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own? i'll have to get back to you on that, because i can't think of one of the top of my head

18) Are you sarcastic? at times

19) What are your favorite color(s)? orange

20) How many watches do you own? 2 or 3

21) Summer or winter? Summer!

22) Is anyone in love with you? someone better be or there is going to be trouble!

23) Favorite color to wear? black.....slimmer

24) Pepsi or Sprite? Sprite

26) Where is your second home? my parent's

27) Have you ever slapped someone? Yes

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom? 2

30) How many video games do you own? me none......travis and noah, i have no idea

31) First pet you owned? first dog was spot....we have tons of fish before that

32) Ever had braces? I sure did and i should have worn my retainer!

33) Do looks matter? no always

34) Do you use chapstick? everyday

35) Name 3 teachers from school: from elementary: Mrs. Bledsoe, Miss Dahms, Mrs. Rooney

36) American Eagle or Abercrombie? love my american eagle jeans!

37) Are you too forgiving? probably, i don't like to stay mad at people, it takes too much energy

38) How many children do you want? 4 would be a good number

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic? nope

40) Favorite breakfast meal? pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon with a tall, cold glass of milk

41) Do you own a gun? No

42) Ever thought you were in love? Yes

43) When was the last time you cried? last night?

44) What did you do last night? stayed home with the kids, put them to bed early and watched the good shepard and little children

46) Have you ever called your teacher mum? Nope

47) Have you ever been in a castle? no but would love to

48) Nicknames? anna banana

50) Ever been to Kentucky? driven through many a times

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now? yep

53) Ever called somebody Boo? nope

54) Do you smoke crack? never even had the urge

55) Do you own a diamond ring? Yes

56)Are you happy with your life right now? parts of it

57) Do you like your hair? some days and today is not one of those days

58) Does anyone like you? i hope so

60) What were you doing in May of 1994? just finishing my freshman year of high school

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? yep....that may be my most embarrassing cd

62) McDonalds or Wendy's? both have their pros and cons

63) Do you like yourself? yep, it would be really hard if i didn't

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? wow.....physical feature.....changes with each person.....for my husband his eyes, he has a cute nose and i like his manly hands and feet......that's corny isn't it?

66) Are you afraid of the dark? no

67) Have you ever eaten paste? i can't recall, but probably not

68) Do you own a web cam? no

69) Have you ever stripped? Of course

70) Ever broke a bone? yep

71) Are you religious? i wouldn't say religious....but i think i am a spiritual person
72) Do you chat on AIM often? nope

73) Pringles or Lays? lays with ranch dressing

74) Have you ever broken someone's heart? i hope not

75) Full house or Brady Bunch? neither

77) Did you like your school guidance counselor? i loved mrs snodgrass....she changed my life!

78) Has anyone ever called you a tease? probably

79) Do you have any pets? 1 dog

80) Do you own a car? i own 2 cars.....i love not having a car payment

81) Can you cook? i'm pretty decent

82) 3 things that annoy you? people running their bare feet or hands across carpet, people who try to outtalk or talkover me, and the sound of the ice cream truck

84) Money or love? Why does this have to be OR?

85) Do you have any scars? yes a few

86) What do you want more than anything right now? a degree just so i can be done

87) Do you enjoy scary movies? sometimes

89) Big red or Juicy fruit? Big Red

90) Do you enjoy greasy food? oh yeah!
91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies? only2

92) Do you own a box of crayons? i have hidden a box somewhere in my house and they only come out for supervised use.

93) Ever had sex in a public place? define public.....i think my car.....oops, just remembered my balconey with a person who shall remain nameless

94) Who was the last person you said I love you to? mia

95) Who was the last person that made you mad? travis, i think

96) What was the last thing that made you cry? i'm sure it was something i watched on tv

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? really, gut clinching laugh....katt williams

99) Who was the last person that called you? my mom

100) Who's your cell phone provider? cingular.....now the new at&t


10:20 AM
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Thursday, April 19, 2007
Sanjaya is OFF American Idol!!!!
Current mood: morose
I must admit I am a little upset that Sanjaya is off American Idol. I truly believed he was going to win. The show will not be as interesting without him.
1:36 PM
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Thursday, April 19, 2007
What do you think?
so travis and i had this disagreement the other night and i really need another opinion because it actually really ticked me off. he came home from work and was relating to me about a co-worker who was upset because she had to go to her 13 year-old daughter's school the next day to meet with the principal and police because they are thinking about charging the girl with harrassment. apparently the child rides the school bus and is being bullied by some other children...on this particular day one of the kids hit her? or something? and she turned to the child and said 'if you don't leave me alone, i'm going to kill you.' now here is where the issue lies. apparently if the 13 y.o. is found guilty she will be kicked out of school and not allowed to register in any other mo public school for the rest of her academic career along with counseling, etc. travis feels this is too harsh because she is 13 and at that age you say things in the heat of the moment and are never going to follow through on them. i, on the other hand, think this is exactly what should happen. his thought is that i should agree with him because if it was one of our kids then i would think it is too harsh. but actually i feel, that would never happen with one of our kids because we are trying to teach them how to deal with their anger in a positive and constructive manner and not resort to those kinds of threats. as a matter of fact we have somewhat already dealt with the bully situation with noah and i have already advised him not to resort to retaliation. i told him that he just needs to not play with that individual anymore and it it continues to tell his teacher and his parents so that we can help deal with the situation. isn't that the parents job? to help teach their children how to deal with situations and to also help guide them through these types of situations. shouldn't we teach them that there are consequences to their actions and how to accept responsiblity for those actions? even if that means you are expelled from school? i personally think this child should face those kinds of consequences just because i have children in the school system and i would not want my child in a class with someone who even verbalizes those thoughts. especially in light of the current events in our country. truly the entire disagreement really upset me and we had to not speak for a couple of hours because we both truly felt the other was wrong or at least altered in their thinking. what does everyone else think?
12:37 PM
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
ranting!
Current mood: cranky
hello everyone! i'm feeling a little down today and irritated. it's probably dangerous to be depressed and mad at the same time, but oh well. i registered noah for school yesterday and it was sad. i have a hard time wanting to let my "baby" grow up. partially because that means that i'm getting older, but also because time flies soooo fast. i can still remember with clarity the day he was born. but we got to meet his teacher and see his classroom. it really is sad because it's this big ol' school and my little bitty boy. travis of course points out that "this gym is awfully small." while my thoughts were "he needs a gym" and "he's small!"

then filling out the enrollment forms and it asks for mother's contact info and father's contact info.....for those of you who i have discussed this matter with, you can probably guess my thoughts about that. this cycle travis and i are in is getting depressing. i say travis and i because we are married and what happens to him, is happening to us......but HIS job cycling is wearing. i know it's not his fault that there are layoffs, but i want him to feel more motivated to change his current status then he is. but that is another day and another rant.

i'm feeling irriated right now with my own job and these students. i started out feeling bad and like a bit of a bitch, but now that i have had time to mull the whole situation, i don't feel too bad anymore. i had two different students call me within minutes of each other wanting me to spend 5-15 minutes of my time talking with them about assignments that were due TOMORROW! most times i don't mind doing this and i will do this, but today......i don't know maybe it's me. i think a large part of it was approach. i felt like they were just expecting me to drop whatever i was doing to help them with something they probably knew about at least last week, but because it is due tomorrow they wanted urgent action. then both subjects are something that i am in no way an expert on, and when i made suggestions of better people to talk with they made me feel bad about that. one student said, but this is the student health center. while that is true, don't come and ask me to give you 15 minutes worth of information about foot health when, let's be honest, student health is not primarily foot health! i gave very generic advice....clean your feet, if your diabetic check your feet weekly, keep your nails neat and trimmed, etc. then recommended call a PODIATRIST....FOOT DOCTOR to get better advice on FOOT HEALTH and he gives me the "but this is student health" !!!! just irritating. the other student was just as bad. she wanted me to talk with her about posture. when asked what about posture? she just wanted how good posture effects health. that once again would have brought forth very generic answers. when i suggested...hey try an orthopedic office or physical therapy office.....i got the response of, "i wanted to try to stay on campus." then i feel like she was making me feel bad for not giving her more help then that, but truly......student health does not deal with good posture either. ask me anything on STD's anymore and i'm your girl or staph infections or Pap Smears.....something i deal with on a daily basis and then i would feel totally comfortable helping you, but don't come to me with stuff that i in no way deal with often and expect me to be your expert on the subject. that just makes me look stupid. whew......enough of that rant.

i have one more rant....largely aimed at my husband and his juvenille ways but that may be for another day because 1)he's a man and there is always some juvenille issue that they have on a daily basis....sometimes i feel like i have 3 children and 2)it is five o'clock and i WANT to go HOME. this has been the day from &*#^ and i have really gotten nothing accomplished. my desk looks like a tornado hit it......maybe i'll take work home with me......actually since i have to be here tomorrow night to help with a student presentation (see...i do help the students!) then maybe i'll just sit a my desk with the door locked until i have to go to the presentation.

coming soon

so i was reading one of the many magazines that i like to read and it gave suggestions for 2010. as 2010 gets closer and we get closer to starting a new decade (my 3rd btw), the magazine gave ideas on how to remember/document this time. one of the ideas was to take a picture of your family everyday. i loved this idea! everyday my family changes. some days we're happy, some we're sad, some we're silly...some days we are just lazy and don't do anything. but everyday is special and important and something to treasure.

so coming 1/1/10 i am going to start snapping pictures everyday of "the family" and post them here with perhaps some dialogue. now you may not see all 5 of us everyday, but definitely the highlights.

this is a HUGE commitment and undertaking for me, but i will try really hard to do this everyday. at the end of the year it will be fun to look back and see what 2010 brought us.

if i had been more on the ball this evening, i would start by posting a little mini-preview. but i will share my story of today....finished baking cookies for the holidays. had the kids helping and mia being mia wants to get right up and smell the cookies. as i pull the HOT cookies sheet out of the oven, she comes over to smell them and before i know what is happening, she has put her chin ON THE COOKIE SHEET! she was so stunned she kept it there for a few seconds. but she was such a big girl. did not cry or tear up. i quickly grabbed some aloe from the plant i keep in the window next to the stove and put some on her chin. but she still has a pretty bad burn.
:-(

but the bright side of this, she will probably most definitely keep her face away from the food from now on. at least the hot stuff. but anyway, i had cute pictures of her and noah (pre-burn), mia by herself (post burn) and aidan in front of the christmas tree. i will have to post those later. for now off to bed for me. until next time...

making movies

a long time friend of mine just had a baby (congrats JACK!). i was over visiting and he had made a slideshow movie of her first 2 weeks. as he was proudly showing this to me, i thought, why have i never done this! i have probably hundreds of pictures of my family and kids that i am always wanting to do something with. i never really investigated what all was on my computer, so i was pleasantly surprised to discover that i had movie maker on my computer. so i sat down to make my first movie, just to see how easy or hard it was. it was actually super easy. so my first production is about to debut...it is relatively simple...just the movie of aidan's life so far. my next production will be bigger and better, but you have to start somewhere. so enjoy! until next time...